I'm back in Bangalore. I should be happy, right? Well, guess what? I am not. It's not that I miss Pune or anything. It's just depressing to know that I'm not the same happy person that I used to be. I'm not happy in any place. CLAT changed my life. It so bloody has. All I can think of now is CLAT10, and nothing else. I should have made it last year , right? I dunno what went wrong. I just don't. I HAVE to work hard. I've given enough trouble to my parents already. My mother thinks I WILL make it this year. How I wish I was that optimistic. I don't take part in any of the activities in my college. I don't like my college. I don't like the people who I thought were/are my friends. Am I a bitchy hypocrite? Well, maybe I am.

The whole moving-on-with-your-life thing is so difficult. Why exactly didn't I work hard enough? I have no answer for it. Was I over-confident? Or as Teju puts it, I'd given up. Had I really? Did I really give up that easily? I would not like to believe it,although I know that there's an amount of truth in it.

I'm a depressed, irritated, frustrated person. When will I EVER get back to normal?

Frustration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should not be blogging now.

No, it's not the right time.

But I have to. I have no choice.

I don't wanna tell anyone about what I am going through at this moment.

It's disgusting.

I hate myself for having dreamt so high.

It's wrong. It's just SO BLOODY wrong.

I WILL not make a good lawyer. I know it. I JUST DO!

I still have to mug up all the articles ( How I DETEST mugging!)

Important amendments.

Important case laws.

Important committees/commissions

Important international conventions.

SIGH!

Can I hold it any longer?

I CAN'T WAIT for CLAT to get over.

But I want more time to study.

I'm just a befuddled, confused, demented, crazy, weird idiot.

I HAVE to make it to NLS, come hell or high water.

I have no choice. Nothing at all.

Symbi was ok. It's JUST my safety net. I *SO* don't wanna join symbi.

What if I don't make it no NLS?

Do I have the strength to face the consequences?

Why am I so pessimistic?

I thought I was the optimistic one.

Sorry, I'm not. I was deluded when I thought so. I *so* was!

Nothing has EVER been this serious or important in my life.

Am I paranoid about the whole thing?

Maybe, I am!

This is so bloody depressing.

....I am STILL awake.

No, I don't feel good even after venting out my anger.

I STILL feel like a zombie.

I probably walk like one too. I don't know. Maybe, just maybe. Actually, I hope not.

Please excuse the incoherent, incongruous and the so not perspicuous psycho babble.


I think I'm sleep-blogging; you know, like sleep walking..sleep blogging?! Maybe, i'm! I wouldn't know.


Before, I had the capability to consume a lot of caffeine, sleep at noon, and still get sound sleep during the night.

*Sigh*

That was eons ago.

No, actually, I was that *talented* even a few weeks back.

I've lost it now

Maybe forever>??

I don't know.


YUCK!


If i ever read this post after I get back to my old sleeping ways (If I ever do, that is), I would hate myself for having posted something as lousy as this.


Reader, thanks for the patience. Now, go, get some sleep. Don't sleep read.

-The insomniac.

:(

This is what happens when sleep deprivation strikes.

Blogging at 5:17 a.m.

I woke up at 2:47 a.m. for reasons that fail to justify this act.

It's hopeless.

It's going from bad to worse.

I haven't been sleeping in the afternoons either.

I haven't been consuming caffeine either, which otherwise would have probably been the reason for sleep deprivation.

I have been sleeping at 11 p.m. these days, and finding my eyes open exactly at 3 a.m.

I need rest.

I don't wanna fall ill.


I want to sleeeeeeeeeep.


The only problem is that I'm not able to do the same.


It's a hopeless feeling.


I get up at 3 and watch TV everyday.


Amazingly, I studied a little this morning.


Wasn't effective. Nada. I couldn't concentrate.

My friends (who get up at 9 or 10 or 11 or..whatever. they get ENOUGH sleep) think I'm crazy.

I think I am going crazy.


It's depressing.

I hate typing like this.

I feel like a zombie.

I AM a zombie.

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sound sleep, where are you?

Where ever you are, PLEASE come back to me.


Reader, sleep tight.

-The insomniac.

...

DEATH.

The word sounds very surreal to me. It's almost like a thing which would never happen t o people I love. I have never really experienced the depth of the pain that it inflicts on a person when that person's dear one dies. It makes me cry when I hear about death. I weep. I cry profusely, even if I don't know who that person is. I love happy endings, however fairytale-ish it may sound. Even when I read about death, it hurts me.

However, I've seen death at a young age. I witnessed His death at 3a.m. I was left shaken. I still shudder when I think about that fateful morning when that Biker rammed into the median close to my house, flew in the air and hit the tree in front of my house. It was terrible. I saw it. It's sad that people have to die. But, it's a never ending cycle,yea. There is no life without death. Death is like the darkness of the night, which gives way for the brightness of the morning.

I started blogging after a long hiatus. It's disturbing to know that I revived this blog by such a morbid post.

Forgive me.

PS. I'd like to die when I'm 60. Not before or after that, period.

PPS. I'd like to die in my sleep.

Also, i ain't a naysayer :P

Cheers.


(It's funny that I write such a depressing post, but still manage to ask you guys to be cheerful :D)

until next time. :)

My kannada teacher told us about an incident which took place a few days ago. It left her very disturbed and set her thinking about how creativity is snubbed by the pretext of "knowledge".

She'd gone for degree papers valuation, and one day, the person sitting next to her was silent for a moment and was thinking deeply. She asked that person if anything was troubling him(or her? I dunno. She never told us if it was a he or a she. for convenience, I'm gonna write he. Sorry feminists, If you think it is too sexist, it wasn't intended. It's just that she contains a letter more than he. And writing he is waaay easier than she. so...!) He turned and handed the paper he was correcting and asked her to read it. The answer booklet consisted of 24 sheets and the person (she thinks it's a guy coz girls, according to her, don't have to guts to write stuff like that in their answer papers.. hmm back to the point now) had written in 16 sheets of the booklet. And he had written the review of a kannada movie!!!!!(aa dinagalu) Yes, a review of it.. he'd completely analysed it.. and had written it so well that even a critic would've hung his head in shame for writing depressing nonsense in the newspapers and magazines(ok fine.. i accept I am exaggerating. but, she said the review was really well written). but the point is that his handwriting was beautiful and the language was impeccable, but unfortunately, our rigid, inflexible, crappy, dogmatic education system does not appeciate this type of creativity. He got a big zero in the exam. What do we learn languages for?! To improve our writing skills or to improve our handwriting or to critically examine a given fact situation or to mug things up and vomit them on paper? I think they have to first get their priorities right.

Me?

I am 36% cynical! I thought I was 100% cynical. :O
This is what the link said :

Generally you give people the benefit of the doubt.
But there are exceptions.
You buy into many of the things that mainstream society believes, but you're not anybody's fool.

Oh, the link says I am VERY sceptical :|
It said:
Your personal motto is: "Prove it."
While some ideas, like life after death, may seem nice...
You aren't going to believe them simply because it feels good.
You let science and facts be your guide... Even if it means you don't share the beliefs of those around you.

=) It's a nice link. Go take some quizes. It's fun.

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